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Archive for June, 2009

I woke up this morning to the horrible news that Billy Mays – you know, the pitchman for 1000 and 1 awesome products, products that we ALL have in our homes – was dead.

Not but a few hours before I was on the phone with Stewart, sitting on Youtube looking at outtakes of his ads, and laughing my ass off. The laughter has died. I am a huge fan of his, and watch Pitchmen all the time on Discovery, and I have to say this just plain sucks. I could care less that some sleazy old pedo (MJ) died… But Billy Mays?!? WTF, Baby Jesus, WTF?!?

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So I got quite the amusing surprise yesterday.

Around 3am Monday morning, I signed on to Xbox Live to play some COD4 — Hey, its the best time to play – no 12-year-old douchebags on — Anyway, I did my usual pregame scroll through the menus, looking for the week’s deal, news, and updates when I saw the latest Game With Fame message.

The moment I saw it, I burst out laughing.

Why? Because the game was Halo 3, and the fame was Asher Roth.

Let me give you some info here. As a gamer – an Xbox gamer – who is NOT a Halo whore, I can tell you that Halo’s Multiplayer is geared toward the severely retarded crowd. SURE, co-op is fun as hell, but adversarial is… Well… Stupid.

You see, in gaming, one who jumps repeatedly to dodge bullets is known as a Halo-Jumper — though I prefer bunnyhopper, because bunnies, like these people, are lame and gay. This is a problem that plagues Halo 3.

This doesn’t happen on occasion, people repeatedly hop to their destination to avoid being shot… add this to Halo 3’s shitty hit detection and inaccurate weaponry, and you’ve got a stupid and gay clusterfuck of epic fail.

Often, the shooter will shoot at where he thinks a person will run to, only to miss because the bunnyhopper… bunnyhopped, while shooting back at the… shooter. The bunnyhopper will claim that the person shooting at them lacks skill because they missed, and that he has skill, because… well, he can aim while jumping. Often this bunnyhopper is between 9 and 12 years old, and will proceed to teabag your corpse while bragging about banging your mother – Clearly the actions of a mentally-deficient homosexual.

Now, take Halo 3, add Asher Roth, and you get an even retardeder, yes, I said retardeder gaming experience. This guy sucks, and his music sucks – It sucks worse than 50 Cent has ever, or could ever, suck. Plus he reminds me of Michael Cera — Whom is also stupid and gay.

Anyway… just thought I would share.


Cliffsnotes

The following things are stupid and gay:

Halo 3’s Multiplayer
Bunnies
Bunnyhoppers
12-year-old boys
12-year-old boys who teabag other males
12-year-old boys who talk about banging someone’s mother
Asher Roth
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson


Now I think I am going to go play Call of Duty 4, a shooter that takes some actual skill and where bunnyhopping NEVER works.

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So I was surfing about random wordpress blogs, and I found this one. It doesn’t look like it’s been used in a while, but I ran across a post, and it inspired me to post something near and dear to me.

My “Approved List” – the list of celebrity women that you get to do, if you get the chance, and your wife or girlfriend can’t be mad about it because they were on the list (we all know they have a list of celebrity dudes they would do anyway).

Here’s mine —

Five:
Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera

Miss Aguilera gets her place on my list for the times when I am in an extra-dirty mood. You know, that bend you over a desk and fuck you silly while you sport your assless chaps mood.


Four:
Morena Baccarin
Morena Baccarin

Morena is on this list just cause… Dear lord was she ever hot as a super-evil, nearly-god-like bitch in Stargate: SG-1. I like girls with a bit of attitude.


Three:
Olivia Munn
Olivia Munn

Hot, Asian, Gamer. She makes a gold bikini look a lot better than whatsherface from Star Wars ever did, and there’s a video of her jumping into a giant pool of chocolate pudding, dressed as a french maid. It makes nice in the pants.


Two:
Gianna Jun
Gianna Jun

If I weren’t so busy drooling, I would give you a better explanation, but GOD BLESS KOREA will have to do.


One:
Diane Lane
Diane Lane

Miss Lane has been at the top of my list for a number of years now. I would sell my soul for one night with her, and even then, I’d probably be content with just sitting across the room and looking at her. Soooooooo pretty… want want want.


Honorable Mention:
Megan Mullally
Evangeline Lilly
Minnie Driver
Yunjin Kim (LOST’s Sun Kwon)
Teri Hatcher (Circa her days as Lois Lane – Before she went all Skeletor for Desperate Househoes)
Gillian Anderson (Circa Season II, X-Files)

Special Mention:
Ryan Reynolds, my man-crush [Fuck off, I’m just saying IF I were gay, which I’m not – not that there’s anything wrong with that – this is who I would be gay with].

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Any of you watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E?

Bacon and I had this talk once, years ago, but I figured I would share with the NON-Bacon crowd. I find the man ridiculous. Not for his mullet – though I could go on about that – but because of his pre and post hunt personas.

Pre hunt he’s all “Let’s go get this motherfucker, lets go get this drug-dealing, wife beating waste of skin. Oh I wanna get this motherfucker bad! Beth, let’s get this fucker! FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER DON’T YOU MOVE! ON THE GROUND NOW FUCKER!


THEN the minute he gets them in the car


He puts on that Dog’s-about-to-cry-while-he-solves-your-problems face and goes all High School Guidance Counselor on the individual, whom just moments ago was referred to as the MOTHERFUCKER. “What did you want to be when you were a kid, Bobby? You got kids, you gotta clean your act up and be a role model. You’re gonna die, brother, if you don’t walk through the door your family is offering you. Dog’s here to help. Dog will support you, you got friends here, brother. We can help you turn your life around. Don’t you wanna be a better daddy for your kids? Come on, step on this crack pipe. Stomp it good and let’s start over together, brah.

Just… UGH. Goddamnit, Dog. Pick one, Dog. Be a prepper-spray-gun-toting badass, or be a social worker. Sheesh.

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OH. MY. GOD.

I can now die happy.

Ridley Scott is making a prequel film to ALIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MUST BREATHE]

I CANNOT stress to you how epic and earth-shattering this news is. ALIEN was the first Sci-Fi movie I ever, to my memory, saw. It shaped my love for all things Sci-Fi, and to this day, it is my favorite film of all time.

It is supposedly an ORIGIN STORY, but of what? The creation of the Xenomorph? Its use as a bio-weapon by the Space Jockey’s race? With any luck, it will show a bit about the Space Jockey and his race, because damnit, that’s the biggest mystery of all – Who/what are they, and how did HE get impregnated.


GAHHHHHHH HURRY UP AND GET HERE 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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